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      CommentAuthorDakoru
    • CommentTimeMar 31st 2007
     
    Please, judge harshly. It's been awhile since I've written.

    Thanks,
    CJ
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    -Arielle, Galactic Bounty Hunter For The Imperial Armada, Sector 14 Of The Milky Way Galaxy, Solaris System, Solaris 4 ................

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    [Provided By Imperial Armada Archives]


    Arielle plunged her dagger into her opponent’s stomach, causing his lower organs to spill out onto the hot, scorching, yellow sand. She walked up to her opponent, swallowed the small amount of vomit that had come up at the gruesome sight, and proceeded to cut his throat. The crows had already circled the area, looking for the next meal, and proceeded to dive-bomb upon her. They had followed her from her ship, where the bright orange emblem emblazoned upon it made any unwary eye guide its way to its presence. Although the ship was small, it contained two small holding cells in it's lower deck and resembled a small Imperial freight carrier. As she hoisted the corpse up onto her hover-cart, she went through her routine mental checklist. The last time she had come to this wretched planet of savage tribes, prying eyes, dangerous predators, and scorching hot and unforgiving wastelands; she had forgotten to sling her water back over her shoulder and went a day and half a night without it. This time, she slung her water over her shoulder first, making sure the cap was on tight and the seal was not broken.
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      CommentAuthorDakoru
    • CommentTimeMar 31st 2007 edited
     
    After her mental checklist was complete, she wrapped her cool shawl around her face; put on her AT goggles (Anti-Thermal), jumped on her hover-bike, and started the slow, drowsy expedition back to her ship. The dunes of the planet shielded her ship from the sun, which rose in the West and set in the North, never making a full rotation around the planet. The planet was Solaris 4, the one place she least wanted to be. Two years earlier, she had come here for another bounty, and barely escaped with her life. She was an Imperial bounty hunter, the last of a dying breed. With the technologies advancing, light-speed becoming a thing of the past and time-warping becoming the new 'fad,' bounty hunters didn't need to be policed as much as they used to be. It was a lot harder to get into the business back with light-speed travel, because the abuse of it was so imminent, even law-abiding pilots of the Imperial fleet broke it.
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      CommentAuthorDakoru
    • CommentTimeMar 31st 2007
     
    The corpse rotted and smelled in the hot sun, although her shawl was wrapped around her tightly. Dune over dune over dune she went, always coming to the crest of one, seeing nothing, and then plunging down to the valley. It made her think of what had happened two years earlier, when the strange thing had happened. It was unexplainable, and made her want to explore it, although she dare not try. It all started when the Imperial fleet of the Solaris system declared that all the Yurians of the system be expelled, and she had been sent to this planet to find a particular one, the leader of the Solaris system Yurians...
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      CommentAuthorDakoru
    • CommentTimeMar 31st 2007
     
    "Entering unauthorized airspace unidentified freight, provide identification", a red light blinked on and off on her console, while the gruff male voice barked at her from an overhead speaker.  She was coming in way too hot to land on the dusty, windswept strip in front of her.  It wasn't the first time she had come to a desert planet like this and had a hard landing, and she was sure it wouldn't be her last.
    "Hold on!", she yelled over her shoulder to her three man crew, her being the only female.
    "Oh god!” was the only response that escaped from their lips.
    "Entering unauthorized airspace unidentified freight, provide identification or be shot down!", the male voice yelled at her.  The turrets on the ground zeroed in on her heat source, rockets ready to fire.  The dark-skinned locals loaded their automatic laz-guns sitting upon sandbags at intervals along the strip.  Their bright blue eyes watched the freight ship fly over their position, fingers poised on their triggers, sights trained on the bright orange emblem emblazoned upon the underside of the short wings.
    "Will you please give me a god dang minute!  The only thing you will be looking at if you fire is another dead mercenary crew on your hands.  Imperial mercenary crew if you want to risk the spotter ships in orbit coming down and frying your sorry behinds!", she screamed into the hand-held receiver while holding the button down.  She threw it to her console, where it bounced up and down on the coiled cord.  She gripped the steering controls, her hands white with the tight grip she put upon them.  A dust-devil whipped across the strip in front of her landing spot, and stopped.
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      CommentAuthorDakoru
    • CommentTimeMar 31st 2007
     
    "$#%&!” She yelled as the alarm for 'imminent destruction of vessel' sounded throughout the ship.  The guards jumped out of the way of their post just as the fifteen-ton ship slammed into their sand-bag post, sending sparks, sandbags, and dust everywhere.  The ship skidded along the side of the strip and it destroyed two other stations before sliding to a loud stop.
    "Hull damage sustained in crash landing, consider repair", the female voice ringed at her from the overhead speaker.
    "No, you think?", Arielle responded sarcastically.  She unbuckled her seat straps, went to the rear of the ship and opened up the hatch.  There, standing with guns drawn, were fourteen Yurian soldiers.

    The small, stinking, hole-in-the-wall outpost in the middle of the Southern Desert had no name. The residents there simply called it "Our City." When she flew low towards the dusty airstrip, she remembered flying over an excavation site.
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      CommentAuthorDakoru
    • CommentTimeMar 31st 2007
     
    It had been extremely large for being in the desert, and it brought attention to her eye because of where it was situated. It was located next to an extremely large, mountainous, and sheer cliff that peered ominously over the site.

    She remembered the rock face the most. It stuck out like a sore thumb in the desert. It's cliffs looked brand new and jagged, like they had just been born. The archaeologists deducted them to be just as old, if not older than the excavated sites they tediously tore at.

    The scientists also noted, when she landed on the strip, that they had been buried in sand since the beginning of the world, and were just now showing their true might.
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      CommentAuthorDakoru
    • CommentTimeMar 31st 2007
     
    When she went to the local saloon, hushed whispers and darting eyes met, not her, her scientists escorting her.
    "They are scared of our practice. We have shaken their religion they base their lives on. They believe in Donkae, the Yurian god of destruction. We have showed them, the town they live in, and their government that they are wrong.", a scientist whispered in her ear.

    "Yes, we have finally discovered the name of the ancient sites you noticed flying in. The ancient people of this land called them ‘Deua Leka’ and ‘makht’. Yes, that's right, we have finally found the civilization of Opeian!"

    “Opeian’s? The Opeian’s? The ancient civilization?
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      CommentAuthorDakoru
    • CommentTimeMar 31st 2007
     
    “Well, you certainly know your history. The galaxy has been combed over billions, even trillions of times by Imperial, and Non-Imperial historians, trying to find the ancient land. Our ancestry, Our ability, and, literally, Our LIVES are dependent on discovering the secrets of the past. We believe, here, on Solaris 4, the ancient world of the Opeian’s has been found.”

    “Alright, that’s enough Doctor!” a Yurian jabbed him with the stock of his laz-gun.
    “She doesn’t need to know about all of that, if you go on like that, you’ll end up in a cell with her. Let’s go prisoner”, the Yurian pointed towards the entrance with the barrel of his gun. She grabbed her pint, and walked back out into the scorching sun. The troops did not let her, or her crew grab anything to protect themselves from the sun, and the ten minutes she had spent in the sun walking to the saloon had already turned a deep shade of red, burning hot to the touch.

    “Maybe” the soldier piped in, “Just maybe, if you’re good, I’ll let you into my barrack, and we’ll take care of those burns. Not for free of course, nothing’s free here…” he smiled, where white shiny teeth grouped together to form a sort of grimace.
    “In your dreams you pig”
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      CommentAuthorDakoru
    • CommentTimeMar 31st 2007
     
    They walked on, back to the airstrip, back to her crashed freighter. She had told them the story of how she had forgotten to install a Solarian System Transistor on her ship, which is why she was an unauthorized aircraft. Of course, they never trusted outsiders, so they jumped to the conclusion she was a spy. After much coaxing, she convinced them to take her to the saloon for a drink. But she knew, right away, she was going to be in a cell for a very long time.

    The Imperial’s took their time and were proud to not be punctual. They believed the longer they took, the more likely the problem would escalate and they could start a war. They loved warring, and were known for their combat achievements involving physics and prototypes of energy-harnessing weapons. The laz-guns were their invention.
  1.  
    Well, hell-o Arielle! She certainly likes to work with a bang. I liked the crash scene; although one thing -- you may want to think about how small a 15-ton ship would really be, unless it's made out of incredibly light metal. I've been playing with 6 and 7 ton forklifts all day today, and they're not very big.

    I'm still not sure where this story is going, but I'll be reading along. Another thing to think about is make all the actions very clear, and try to keep the explanations to a minimum. Otherwise people will lose track of the meat of your story.

    You start out in the desert, go to a flashback, and then it seems like you jump back yet again. Or did a post get up out of order? I'm talking about where you relate an incident in a saloon, then in the next part talk about how she gets to the saloon. I had to read it a couple times because I got a little lost.

    But you have a very promising premise, and I look forward to more. Speaking of more ... I think I'm on Trenchcoat's hit list, so I'd better go write a bit myself.

    Arrivederchi,
    Anemone
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      CommentAuthorDakoru
    • CommentTimeApr 1st 2007 edited
     
    As she proceeded back to the saloon, she took note of the extremely open terrain surrounding the village.
    *If they are so protective of their civilization, even this stinking city, wouldn't they have more guard posts, besides the ones she destroyed at the airstrip?*
    "So, how come you hate outsiders so much?", she asked the guard escorting her to the saloon.
    "No questions!", he barked at her, raising his gun and looking at her through the sights, signalling the end of their brief conversation. She pulled her ponytail back, her curly brown hair sending ripples as it slowly swayed with her walking.
    "Oh no!", she exclaimed, spinning around and covering her mouth with her hand, looking as innocent as possible.
    "Eh?", he grunted, genuinely curious. She let her eyes fall to her boots, where one lay untied. She indicated tying, and after a few seconds of elaboration, he nodded, cocked his gun and let her bend down and tie her boot. She did it slowly, fumbling with the laces The guard slowly lowered his gun. She glanced up, quickly looking back down when she saw that he had relaxed. She had done the trick.
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      CommentAuthorDakoru
    • CommentTimeApr 1st 2007 edited
     
    Quick as she good, she jumped up and gave the guard the most powerful knee-thrust she had given, right into his groin. He doubled over, and she took this opportunity to use her other knee and knock the air out of him. He fell back, rolling to one side holding his abdomen and crotch, short and light breaths escaping his lips.
    "Stand," she said, and she helped him up, while she grabbed his gun and held it to his face.
    "Trust me, it feels alot better with your hands above your head," she indicated putting her hands on her head, and he proceeded, taking deeper breaths, tears streaming down his face.
    "Now, I need some answers to some very hard questions..."

    The Yurian gunners had easily found the bullet-ridden body; it was sprawled across an alleyway, and there were obviously no signs it had tried to be hidden. It only took them another couple of minutes to determine it was their comrade, and they set the watchmen's alert to Yellow-8.
    Arielle was disappointed she hadn't at least gotten a level Red-2 or 3. She deserved that, at least, for shooting him up so badly. But as she watched from the adobe house a few streets away through her night-vision distance goggles, she watched as they dragged his body to the nearest disposal pit and threw him in without a second glance. Apparently they cared less he had died, even murdered, they were more intent on protecting the large marble palace at the center of the city.

    Guards posted all along it's perimeter presented an almost impenetrable defense, except for the fact they weren't trained. Arielle easily scaled the wall after silently killing the guards and piling them up to be used as a human step-stool to enter the high marble wall.
  2.  
    I had to do a tiny bit of editing, Dak. I'm sorry, but remember that we're trying for a cleaner site here. Sensuality / sexual innuendo scenes are probably my least favorite thing, and that will be reflected in any editing I decide I need to do.

    I know I'm ultra-sensitive, and I hope it doesn't detract from your ability to write on these forums, but these are hard and fast rules.

    Anemone

    P.S. Anyway, I bet Arielle is a good enough fighter to not really need any of those tactics. ;-)
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      CommentAuthorDakoru
    • CommentTimeApr 1st 2007
     
    Sorry about that, if anything else needs editing feel free to do so or let me know and I will do it.

    I will also be posting a story a created from awhile back that I want to 'bring-back-to-life'. I'll post it, and if it is a wee-bit to graphic, I'll be sure to take it down.

    Sorry again,

    ~Dak
  3.  
    Hmm, well, now as I've taken the time to read this, it seems and interesting plot. One thing that confused me at first, "non-thermal goggles." At first that computed as meaning they didn't register living or heated objects. Now I see you meant they shielded from the desert's heat. Almost seems like anti-thermal would fit better? Not a big issue :)
    Keep at it.
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      CommentAuthorDakoru
    • CommentTimeApr 22nd 2007
     
    Oo, I'll edit it out, that does seem confusing.


    I have a few adds to post, but I want to filter through them and make them a little larger before I do post them.